This has been an awful day, and I really need your help.

To bring you up to speed, I had my 4th fill scheduled for today. I had 4.8cc in my 10cc band. I went to a new doc today, I was required to do a barium swallow so he could see everything because he didn't put it in.

The appt started off really horribly anyway, because the card I planned to use to pay for this (remember, I'm self pay for everything, and we are REALLY stretching to to afford this band and it's fees) was an Am Ex, and they don't take Am Ex. And of course no one had told me about this until I show up 1/2 hour before my appt. So I dig out a Bank of America visa that I never use because it only has a $500 limit, they run it, and tell me it's denied. WTF? Of course there are people behind me, and I've already been turned away once because they wouldn't take my Am Ex. So I get on the horn w/ BoA, and they tell me that I just had a charged approved for the $367 that the docs office was trying to charge me. Evidently, the docs office some how mananged to run the charge twice - the first one was approved (but they got no approval receipt), and the denial receipt they DID get was from the second charge, which of course makes sense, cause that would put me over the limit. So BoA had to talk to the docs office and get it all figured out. Anyway, I ended up getting it all paid for, but it left me extremely frazzled because I was afraid I was going to miss my appt, and I'd waited 5 weeks to get this one, and also, I was pretty embarrassed being told my card's DENIED. Especially when it was their fault. So I started off on the wrong foot.

But that's the least of my worries.

So this fill will be done with a barium swallow. I've never done a barium swallow, even after surgery. This is my first one.

So I go in, lay down, and get some numbing stuff around my port. Then I get the needle in my stomach, same old song and dance. I stand up in the xray thingy, and am required to start drinking barium.

The doc has me turn this way and that, continuing to swallow barium. He doesn't say much, and then goes, "I'm concerned about this bulge on the top side of your band. Where the barium is just sitting." So I have this bulge where all the barium collects, and you can see it plain as day. He goes, "I think your band has slipped."

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. I'm self pay, I have no way to fix this.

The doc proceeds to tell me that he'll send me home with pics of this barium swallow, and I need to call my original surgeon and he needs to fix this. At this point, I'm doing the best I can to keep myself in once piece. I had come alone, and I just wanted to run out of there and sit in a corner and cry. And I'm not a cryer.

So I say, "So what do I do now?" Doc says he recommends that we take out all the liquid in my band, and give it a few weeks and see if my bulge will go back through the band to where it belongs. But he says he's not real confident in that, becasue my stomach sits more horizontal than vertical.

So I say, "well, I guess we gotta take out all the liquid before I do some severe damage or something." He takes everything out, and then has me do more barium swallows.

I turn this way and that, again, just trying to hold it together. The nurse was really sweet and told me I could cry if I needed to.

Then the doc says, "hmm, I need to make sure I've got my orientation right. . ." Then he does a lot of talking to himself, like, "well, this is your front, and this is the back . . . .hmm, not sure if I've ever seen this before . . .(silence) . . ." I finally said, "You guys gotta say something, I don't know if something's terribly wrong here or what."

The doc has the nurse go get one of those plastic stomach models with the band attached (we've all seen them, surely you know what I'm talking about). Then he goes, "well, maybe you've got a fold in your stomach right behind the band, and that's creating this puddle of barium. He goes, "This isn't normal, and I've never seen this before, but I don't know if this is your original anatomy, or if the surgeon put a weird stitch or something that gives you this puddle." He proceeds with, "Theoretically, this fold on the other side of your band shouldn't affect your band mechanics, but I don't know because I've never seen this before. Looking at it in 2-D, it's hard to tell if this puddle is before your band or after it."

I continue to freak the shit out (internally, anyway), cause I don't know what's going on with me. The doc says that a fold after the band would be a much better prospect then a slip, because potentially, the fold after the band wouldn't need fixed or anything. I asked, "How confident are you that this is a fold after the band instead of a slip above the band?" The doc says, he's 75% confident that this is the fold instead of the slip.

So I say, "well, then, what do we do at this point?" He goes, "I can see we're not obstructing anything with liquid, so I recommend we do a fill like we had initially planned." So he puts my 4.8 cc back in, plus another 1cc. So I'm up to 5.8cc. He says we give it a few weeks and see what happens. These guys want me to do full liquids for 24 hours, so I'm sent home with those instructions.

As we were talking through this whole appointment, he drew me pictures trying to illustrate what he's thinking. I recreated it on my notepad on my phone so I could post it here. The scribbles is where the barium sits. Look these over:

This is a slip (part of the stomach pulls up through the band).


And this is the best I could do to illustrate the fold behind the band.


So, bottom line, I don't really know if I have anything wrong with me. I defintely have something that's giving me a puddle of barium, and the doc is 75% sure it's something downstream of the band. But even if it's downstream, he doesn't know how it'll affect my band, if at all.

Here's some things to think about:

-I've never had a vomiting episode or PB. I've never even been that close. Can my band slip without vomiting?

-If I had a slipped band, wouldn't I have some sort of symptoms? Or does a slipped band just cause your band to not be as effective, and you just continue on?

-My slow weight loss definately seems weird. The doc was concerned about that, but doesn't know if that means a slip or not.

I have a huge favor to ask you:

Could you ask around to see if anyone has this sort of fold after the band that would create this puddle? My doc has never seen this before, so I wonder if anyone else looks like this. Please ask around, and if you find anyone, point them my way.

I now have 5.8 ccs, and I feel TIGHT in my chest, right in the center, just about at the bottom of my bra line. Not necassrily tight when I swallow somthing, but I can feel the tightness just sitting here. I'm supposed to see what happens over the next several weeks, then go back for another barium swallow.

Since my fill 5 hours ago, I've had about 7/8ths of a Snapple green tea, and about 1/2 cup of chicken broth.

Is this how a tight fill feels? I haven't had a large fill since early May. The fill I got in June was .3cc. The doc and nurse both said that where I'm at right now is pretty tight, and if a fill is going to work, I should be able to notice it.

I just don't know what to think.

After I got out of the doc's office, I made it to my car before totally losing it. I REALLY needed my hubby, but he was at work an hour away. I cried for a long while, then started driving to my bro's to get my kids. I called hubby on the way, and tried to tell him what was going on, and just started crying again. I had to pull over, cry for a while, and then tell him what was going on. He's doing his best to be optimistic for me.

I can't help but internalize this. As in, if I wasn't a fat slob to begin with, we'd never be in this position. I have no idea how we are going to pay for anything else, I'm going to struggle to pay for my next $367 barium swallow. Our budget is so tight, it took so long just to pay for the surgery in the first place.

I just don't want to be fat. Why can't anything work for me?